Dear Tim Burton,
I think it is high time I tell you how much of a douche you are. You used to actually have an original thought in your brain, but then fame and Johnny Depp killed it. Whatever happened to the man who directed Beetlejuice? Ever since you made that perversion of an American classic, Sleepy Hollow, your work has been on the same level of genius as that of Tyler "my movies are crap" Perry. Honestly, you have screwed with enough good things. Did Willy Wonka need a background story? What about the boat ride scene? I a least expected that to somewhat save you from casting Johnny Depp and making him look like a creepy puritan. No, you disappointed me.
ASSHOLE!
As for your most recent disaster, Alice in Wonderland, I hope you get your ass kicked by Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino. At least they can write their own scripts and not fuck with that which does not need a update. You made Alice a joke (she's supposed to be seven not twenty) and the underlying text of the mad hatter lusting after made me want to head towards the nearest electroshock place and fry my brains out. SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!!! You couldn't even get the characters right. The red queen and the white are not sisters. The queen of hearts and the duchess are. Just you you don't fuck anything else up, the red queen and the queen of hearts are the same thing. Please do us all a favor and quit while you are just barely still ahead. For the record I will have to destroy if you as much think about destroying 101 Dalmatians.
Okay, so most of us have heard in some form or an other a story from the Brothers Grimm collection. For the most part they are pretty predictable; pretty girl gets in trouble and is saved by some dashing lad who just happened to be passing by. Think pretty much anything that Disney adapts into long cartoon. Although the originals do feature a lot of gore. For example the original ending of 'Snow White' has the stepmother meeting her end dancing with a pair of super hot shoes fashioned out of ironed ( the movie would have been better if Walt had kept that in). Besides a gruesome death for the malcontent, all ends nicely with the pretty couple riding off to some enchanted kingdom. Well, I want to point out that some of the tales are actually radical and kind of awesome. My personal favorite is the 'The Three Spinsters'. What I love is the fact that this little number champions the gal who tends to be a little bit on the lazy side. The overall synopsis is that a young lady gets three old maids to help her with a task so she can marry a rich man. The kicker is that she also ends up fooling him into not making her do any house work. A very happy ending indeed! It gives me hope for my own future. This story probably didn't didn't as much popularity because it kind of promoted a form of procrastination, but still it's pretty progressive for 19th century Europe.
An honorable mention for the realm of cool old school fairy tales that you did not know existed is 'The Feather Bird'. The gore factor is dialed up to 11 because of frequent dismemberment, but if you want to look at it from a different point of view it is actually pro woman. The clever girl saves herself and destroys her nemesis all in a few days. I think Dario Agrento should do the film adaptation.
I am in my 20's now and I still find myself watching cartoons. Of course I watch so called 'adult' cartoons, such as stuff they play on Adult Swim as well as the sunday night line up on Fox, but I also find myself watching cartoons that are geared for the younger demographic. My current favorite is The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack. A quirky look at naive blonde boy who trots around the ocean with a foul mouthed sea captain inside the stomach of sassy, yet motherly whale. I'm sure some of you have seen and realize how clever it is and catch all the adult references that children can't pick up. For instance the captain is constantly slurping on maple syrup and hanging out at a place called The Candy Barrel. It's pretty clear that the crew behind the cartoon are making come across as a drunkard past his prime. Somehow that works and I can laugh at it. The sheer absurdity of the cartoon is what really absorbs me. Some of the things they say just make me laugh for no apparent reason other than they are just plain old stupid.
This is one of my favorite parts
Another cartoon that I love is The Fairly Odpparents. This one has been around for a while, but I like the idea of a child with inept fair guardians. They do a great job on showing the world through a ten year old's eyes. There is the evil babysitter, the teacher that is out to get you, and you parents who are oblivious to practically everything. It also touches upon the desire to change our surroundings some times. When things are looking glum we wish we could just wave a magic wand and everything is okie dokie. Then we realize maybe that wouldn't be such a great idea.
I recently just got into another gem called The Regular Show. This one is really out of left field. It revolves around a bird and a raccoon working for what looks to be a guy made from a gumball machine. Sounds trippy, doesn't it? It's actually really funny. It reminds of one of my classic favorite Rocko's Modern Life. You have one who is a little idealistic while the other one is usually logical, but with a hidden weakness that gets him in trouble. There is a great episode where they subtly trash Jersey Shore. Love it!
ASSHOLE!
